What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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