I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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