Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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