My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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