he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
