i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
