In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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