Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
