I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
