you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
