I'd wear matching sweaters with you
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
