I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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