I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
