so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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