Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
