sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?