When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
