there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
This is classic penis vs brain.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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