Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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