i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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