It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
