you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
