I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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