Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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