I CAN MOONWALK!
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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