Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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