If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
