i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
