I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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