WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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