Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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