Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
