Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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