I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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