So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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