1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
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