I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
