2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
