so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
