did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
