The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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