I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
