Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
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Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
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Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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