He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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