Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I think a kid would responsible me up
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
