Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
