well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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