mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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