Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
