Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
