TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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