yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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