Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
