Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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