I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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