Don't make out with my wife yet
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
