I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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