remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
